Disguise.

I sit perched on the edge of my bed, faint smiles drifting across my face, as I sift through the screen of my Acer. My  sleeves pushed up over my elbows, as I lean forward and journal about the holiday.

The two days of momentary thinking has caught me beyond realization. And despite being 19, I am still unsure about life’s unpredictability. So here I stand , trying to figure out my purpose in life.

Upset about how things are currently, the disposition I am in, and the point of this wholesome post, I am in utter disregard for the fact that I am using Amar’s account as a place of rant. I am totally sorry Amar. I am sorry if this post would have caught you beyond the hooks. I just needed a place. A place of solace to clear this messified underflowing mind.Ugh.

Dear God, I pray for the very strength you would give me in times so difficult. The strength to be bestowed upon those around me, and to those so dear to me. I beg upon your mercy for the clearance of all this mess and mindmapping bizarreness that’s been haunting the faith I have in myself.

For my parents,and how weird and critical things are getting, back at home, I seriously hope for the better. This is not the best decision you both would have had in your lives, but it certainly would be in time and years to come. Spare me your questions and overrated remarks. Please accept me for who I am because I am willing to swallow this whole junk of immaturity with open arms. As difficult as it may be for either parties,just  trust me, and trust in my ability to bring myself out of this mess you have created upon me. I don’t blame you for this difficult juncture. And though I may not have said it, I hope for the love each child would ever yearn for. As much as I would want things to be like how it used to be 16 years ago,I know that  it’ll never happen. So please, I have never asked anything more , and I don’t see why you both should. Mum, Dad, i’ll stll love you.

For my dearest sister who is only 15 and has a whole life ahead of her. Please God, give her that wisdom to rise to the occasion and set her free from the  dying state she is in. It is through your humble touch would light shine upon this road of her misery and uncertainties. For all the pain that will be bearable or unbearable for her, take it through her with ease. Bring her to me when she’s lost. I promise i’ll guide her through and teach her valuable teachings of life. Teachings in which you have imparted to me on my bumpy road.

God, I now pray for myself. I pray for courage  to face the world and its challenging rewards. I pray for the very fact that I am feeling weak and lousy about myself. Help me make out this phase of my life. To challenge myself to better things I will enjoy in the future. Provide me with the information to make the wisest decisions that will help and not ruin my ever so bright future. Bore me with all that Science has yet to give. Expose me to the wonders of Science, and create the love I would have to grow to do well in these 3 years of school. Erase all the negativity I have in me for what I am learning right now.  Never make me fall back on words of littleness. Never ever make me believe that I only have hands of a surgeon. Tell me that I am born with the brains, heart and the touch of a surgeon. Make this make-believe come alive. I have to count on you for that, for  I am losing my grip as the day passes, and I dont know what’s happening. So God, help me out. I am a victim of this self- destruction.

Dear God,  I have said what’s there to be said. And I hope it is through this note of communication would I become stronger in your presence. And as always, you’ve helped me through 19years of my life, and thus I write this note of share without much hesitation.

I once again thank you for those around me. For the wonder ful friends that I have, a beautiful home for me to shelter under and for HIM, whom you have created to be part of my life.

I specially want you to know how having HIM through this difficult moment has made things lighter. He has been that gleam of hope for days I never seem to make it. The fresh air of breath I would have knowing that HE’S standing right at the finishing line awaiting. God, you can see it in my eyes, read it on my face,the man you’ve brought to this place can help change my fate. I have yet to discover a life ahead with him. To share moments of joy and tears and erase it with my pink. I hope this man you’ve given me, would stay here for good. So dont take him away, dont take him away for I cant lose my sense of hope. This feeling of love for HIM is probably the most beautiful thing at this momnet so I thank you once again.

I hope to feel the answers to my prayers. Cause, it is then would I have gathered all the fiest in me to run this journey again.

yours truly,

Hazlyn.

PS: THANKS SO SO MUCH AMAR! REALLY. REALLY AMARTHEAWESOME.<3

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